JON BUTLER and BRUNO VINCENT

DO ANTS HAVE ARSEHOLES?
And 101 other bloody ridiculous questions

‘Outrageously cynical’ Guardian

‘Every Christmas, one funny book seems to stand out from all the others. This year it’s Do Ants Have Arseholes, a rip-roaring parody. The questions alone are comic enough but some of their answers are inspired.’ Spectator

A hilarious, hugely entertaining spoof of the vastly successful Why Don’t Penguins’ Feet Freeze?

• When signmakers go on strike, do they carry signs? • If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do they all drown? • Why do socks go missing in the wash? • Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? • Is it possible to bore someone to death? • Where is the middle of nowhere? The readers of Old Git Magazine are a confused, befuddled, and pedantic bunch, who seem to spend a significant chunk of their spare time corresponding with the publication’s popular ‘Corrections and Clarfications’ pages. Do Ants Have Arseholes? is a very funny collection of questions and answers taken from this column, none of which have any basis whatsoever in fact. A must for all those who relish a heady mixture of shaggy-dog stories, toilet humour, and utter lack of insight.

Do Ants Have Arseholes?
Although it has been rendered useless by evolution, contrary to popular belief the humble ant does have an arsehole. It is in fact the smallest orifice in any known creature, so tiny that it only allows a single atom to pass at a time. The sound of an ant breaking wind has been recorded as the lowest decibel-level achievable in nature (Prof. Humbert Unself created a fake ant entirely from porcelain which emitted a quieter one). The farts are, however -- although silent -- quite incredibly violent, and have accounted for many a fainting fit in university biology departments down the years.
Dr. David Powell-Strope, Emeritus Professor, Dept of Gas Research, Dundee University

Powel-Strope’s learned answer has great implications for classicists such as myself. In the well-known Greek myth, the architect and engineer Daedalus was presented with an apparently unsolvable puzzle by King Minos: feed a fine piece of thread through the spiral centre of a helical seashell, and win riches beyond measure. As the tale is usually told, Daedalus cleverly tied the string to the back leg of an ant, and tempted it to walk through the helix in search of a single bead of honey placed at the other end of the shell. Or at least, that is how most scholars have got around the tricky -- seemingly insurmountable -- riddle presented by the original Greek:

αυφωΩέά ϊωψέυ/έυ ωΩέ έά /αυυαυέά ωψυ/φω
And so cunning Daedelus,
Tricked strong-armed Minos
Threading the ant's tiny arsehole
Like a needle

Since ants were not known to have arseholes until Powel-Strope’s research was first published in thisorgan, the original version was simply ignored in favour of a much more believable solution, viz. the tying of a knot around the fabulous ant's back leg.
Prof. Clive Ladywell, Department of Greek Studies, Merton College, Oxford

Material: Finished copies (192pp)
Sales: Sphere/Little, Brown UK; Source Books USA; Newton Compton Italy; Ego Medya Turkey; Micro Application France.



DO BATS HAVE BOLLOCKS?
And 101 more utterly stupid questions

It’s all change at Old Git Magazine: a new editor is on board and it is under pressure from management consultants to be re-branded as The Young Git. The old editor is not going out without a fight, though. And of course, the readers are as confused and baffled as ever, none more so than the elderly lady who writes in thinking she’s updating Bill Oddie on ‘Springwatch’; except for every mention of the squirrel nibbling his nuts, she notices dogging in the local car park, cottaging in the public toilets across the street…

The delightful follow up to the hugely successful DO ANTS HAVE ARSEHOLES? features bags more rude jokes and shaggy dog stories, pastiches, and hilarious parody. It looks set to be even more successful than its predecessor.

Material: text delivered
Sales: Sphere/Little, Brown UK

Jon Butler and Bruno Vincent both work in publishing. They co-wrote Learn To Speak Mafia under the pen name Giovanni Bruno (Boxtree in the UK, Ullstein in Germany and St Martins Press in the US).

Agent: Nicola Barr